You, dear reader, have a unique and specific view of what “the right relationship” looks like to you. The “right” partner. The “right” needs and wants that you’re looking to have fulfilled.

That’s the beauty of living your life in full alignment with your identity — you get to craft it and make it your own.

I do believe, however, that there are universal feelings and desires that we all share as part of the human experience. The differing pieces are the packaging that they’re delivered in, but the internal feelings we seek are very much the same.

Below are some of the feelings that I personally believe we are all seeking from a partner and a relationship — and when you find them, you should do everything you can to hold on to them.

1: The feeling of peace.

I think that the feeling of peace is vastly overlooked and undervalued when it comes to seeking a partner and a relationship.

More often we talk about passion, excitement, adventure, attraction…

And, while all of those things are very important, relationships are multi-dimensional and, hopefully, will last a very long time.

There will be periods of time and phases in life where adventure is not the goal, but serenity. Living in a peaceful and calm environment, being able to simply sit and enjoy each other’s presence. Watch a sunset, or a sunrise. Enjoy a glass of wine, or a cup of coffee. Sit and watch a movie, or read a book.

Just…existing together.

These moments will be more frequent and longer lasting the further into the years we travel together — so their importance cannot be overlooked.

2: The feeling of gratitude.

Gratitude in a relationship is double-sided: We should feel grateful to have our partner in our life, and also know that they are grateful for us, as well.

When you feel a deep sense of gratitude for having this person, you truly value and appreciate them. You don’t put yourself in positions to jeopardize the relationship. You feel “lucky” that your life paths have converged and that you choose each other every single day.

I fully believe that gratitude is one of the most powerful emotions we can experience. It keeps us connected with, and grounded to, the things (and people) that really matter to us.

If you’re not grateful to have someone in your life, why would you want to spend the rest of it with them?

3: The feeling of desire.

You should desire your partner — but not just in the physical or sexual sense. While that is necessary, it is one piece of the pie that makes up what draws you to someone.

Truly desiring someone is an all-consuming feeling that is deeply mental, emotional, and spiritual — just as much (if not more) than it is physical.

You find yourself longing for them, yearning to be in their presence, knowing with your full heart and soul that you do not want to be without this person in your life.

Keep in mind, however, that this does not say dependence. There is a big difference between desire and desperation, and one should never feel fully dependent on a partner for their internal happiness. The truth is that not every relationship is guaranteed to last forever, and I have far too often seen people tie their identity to someone else’s presence in their life.

Then, if someday they part ways, there is a devastating emotional collapse.

Desire must be present, but also healthy. You must want this person in your life, but not need them in it.

4: The feeling of BEING desired.

Desire, when not returned, inevitably leads to heartbreak and confusion.

To feel desired by your partner — not just for your body, but your heart and soul…is an unmatched feeling that can only be understood by those who have experienced it.

Wanting someone is not enough, being wanted by them in return is what closes the circle. That is what begins the pathway of real connection between you that you can divulge your inner-most wants, needs, and fantasies.

Feeling desired is about more than just feeling sexy, it’s about feeling cherished.

5: The feeling of being SEEN.

Anyone can look at you, but not everyone will put in the effort to really see you. To see you for who you really are. To see you for all of the things that other people have overlooked.

To love all of the things about you that other people took for granted.

When someone recognizes your quirks, your nuances, the things that make you special and unique…that is a rare gift to be given.

This is valuable because when someone sees you and continues to love you, it’s a showing of full acceptance. They know the things that make you difficult (let’s be honest, we’re all difficult in some ways). They know the parts of your past that you’re embarrassed of. They know your secret insecurities and the demons you struggle with.

And, they continue to love you…not in spite of these things, but because of them.

When you know that someone sees you and loves you, it gives you a feeling of comfort and freedom that allows you to open up and be your most authentic self around them. There’s no replacement for that.

6: The feeling of being respected.

Everyone — men and women alike — crave and deserve respect in relationships of all kinds.

It matters not if it’s from a colleague, or a friend, or family member, or especially your significant other…feeling respected is an essential piece of any puzzle.

Feeling respected means knowing that your partner honors your boundaries, your opinions, your viewpoints.

It means that they take you into consideration when making big decisions.

It means that they give you space when you need it, and pull you closer when you need it.

It means that they listen intently and strive to understand you, not just let you ramble on and drift off mentally.

When you feel respected in your relationship, you’ll know that you are operating as a team alongside of your partner, building a life together that you’ve both set out to achieve.

And, not to be overlooked — you must respect your partner, in return. Otherwise, you’ll never be able to take them seriously enough to fully love them or commit yourself to them.

7: The feeling of being HEARD.

Seen…respected…heard.

You have a powerful voice. You’ve spent decades of your life cultivating your opinions and perspectives based on the extensive experiences that you’ve accumulated.

These opinions are valid and valuable. They bring new light to important subjects and help your partner to make better decisions.

They allow you both to work together, to fill in the gaps for each other, to prove that “two heads are better than one.”

But, none of this is possible if you don’t feel heard by your partner.

If you feel like you’re talking to a wall, or constantly getting overruled, or not even listened to in the first place…you’ll never truly feel like an equal part of the relationship, which will inevitably lead to resentment and conflict down the road.

8: The feeling of being inspired.

From the day we first met, my wife has inspired me.

She was running a large 14,000 indoor playground while raising 2 small children by herself.

She was in the process of opening a 2nd business when the pandemic hit and wiped everything out.

I watched her navigate a bankruptcy, go through mourning the businesses she’d given her life to, continue being a rockstar for her children, and also work to build our relationship together at the same time.

There were ups and downs, highs and lows, challenges and struggles — but also victories as she emerged from the ashes even stronger and more successful than before.

Now, here we are, almost 3 years later, building the life that we dreamed about when we first met.

And, we are doing it together.

We’re doing it together because we inspire each other (or at least, she inspires me!).

Every day when I get up I see her relentlessly continue to work, get the kids ready, create art, and tirelessly do everything she can to keep the little ones happy and healthy.

I am inspired by her every single day and it makes me want to step up and do more than I ever have before, for her, and for our family.

9: The feeling of safety.

The feeling of safety is the nurturing soil where the plant of love is free to grow.

(In case you’re wondering, yes, I just made that up).

Feeling safe in your relationship — not just physically safe, but mentally and emotionally safe — gives you the freedom (I’ve mentioned this word a few times and I’ll expound on it soon) to give your full self to your partner.

Love, after all, is a risk. We have all put ourselves out there in the past and been hurt because of it. Maybe we’ve even pledged never to love again, or closed ourselves off to new opportunities when they arose.

When our partner shows us that we are truly safe with them, in all aspects of life, it helps us to lower our defenses and embrace the love we are being given.

10: The feeling of freedom.

I’ve mentioned freedom a few times here so I am giving it its own point.

Of course, monogamous and committed relationships require you to give up some freedoms: The freedom of living as if you’re single, the freedom of being intimate with other people, the freedom of doing whatever you want, whenever you want…

But, when entering into a relationship, the desire for your partner should outweigh the desire for those frivolous other pleasures.

The freedom you should feel, though, is the freedom to be your truest self. The freedom to thrive. The freedom to grow. The freedom to spread your wings, try new things, pursue your dreams and desires…

The freedom to live and be loved free of any judgment.

If you feel controlled or held back by your partner, then your “love” is based more on authority than equality — and that is not really love at all.

11: The feeling of support.

Rachel just put a reel on her Instagram about the feeling of having a partner (ahem…me) who supports you doing anything you want as long as it makes you happy.

I believe that we should all strive to be our partner’s biggest cheerleader. An emotional “safety net” for them, providing the knowledge that they’re not in this life alone.

We all need support for different things at different times. We might want to open a new business, or pursue a passion project, go back to school…or maybe even to mourn the loss of a loved one.

Not feeling supported can make you feel like you’re on this journey of life alone — which is never a feeling you should have while in a committed relationship.

12: The feeling of stability.

None of us want to wake up every morning and wonder what fresh hell awaits in our relationship.

Life is full of enough uncertainty as it is, we don’t need more of it from our partner.

A feeling of stability signifies security, knowing that what you see is what you get.

Feeling that they’re in this for the long run and aren’t going anywhere.

Knowing that you can count on them and trust them fully.

No structure can stand forever on a shaky foundation, and neither can your relationship.

13: The feeling of being prioritized.

Life is busy for all of us, but making a commitment to enter into a relationship with someone means pledging to boost them to the top of your priority list.

It means staying focused on what really matters in life.

It means knowing that your partner will elevate you above all else, treat you as their #1, and always hold you in the highest regard.

Why would you want to be with someone who treats you as their second act, or their backup plan?

(You wouldn’t).

14: The feeling of being lusted after.

Let’s be honest — while we discussed earlier that desire goes far beyond the physical, it is still flattering when someone just plainly wants to tear your clothes off.

We’re all adults here, you can admit it — feeling sexy is an empowering feeling that you can fall into fully if you truly love someone.

It helps you feel more confident, gives you a chance to explore yourself and your partner (both emotionally and physically), and it bonds the two of you together through the chemicals released in the brain.

There will be times during your relationship where you just want to feel wanted, and fully absorbing this feeling will bring you two closer together.

15: The feeling of dedication.

When choosing to marry someone, you must know they are dedicated to you.

I use this word intentionally. Not just committed but dedicated.

Dedication goes a step beyond commitment. People can be passively committed…they just stick around and float along. They may not stray, but they also don’t put in active effort to make you feel special, valued, respected, seen…

They just sort of…exist alongside of you.

When you feel that someone is dedicated to you, though, you can feel their passion for you. You feel their love. You see the effort they put in. You hear the way they express themselves to you.

Dedication is active.

You can immerse yourself in it.

It is a pledge to love you, to cherish you, to adore you, to value you…

Not just today, but forever, and that is what love and marriage are all about.